A bit of light-humour borrowed from various sources. If you have some that tickles your bones, drop me a line and we will see if we have room left.
DESPERATE FOR WORK, A RESOURCEFUL old lush answered a want ad for an experienced sea captain. He wore a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "You certainly look the part," observed the interviewer, "but tell me--how did you lose your leg?"
"Ahh, the leg," improvised our man, "a cannonball blew that away years ago, off Far Tortuga!"
"You don't say. And what about your hand?"
"Aye, laddie, that went in a swordfight, beating off pirates!"
"Amazing--and how did you lose your eye?"
Our hero hesitated here, then confessed a bit sheepishly, "To tell you the truth, I was watching the sky one day, and a dang old sea gull dropped dung into it!"
"And that put your eye out?"
"Aye." he admitted, "see, it was me first day with the hook!"
"NORMAN, I LIKED YOU BETTER when you were drinking!" declared an old pal, feeling no pain.
"That makes us even," replied Norman, "when I was drinking, I liked you better too."
THE CHAIRMAN OF A LONG ESTABLISHED MEETING asked his visiting speaker, "What topic were you thinking of emphasizing?"
"Might not be such a good idea," counselled the chairman. "If folks hereabouts want to hear about God, they go to church."
"Well, how about taking inventory and making amends?"
"Nah. Folks hereabouts like to feel good. Thinking about character defects and digging up the past and all that only makes 'em blue, and starts spats between husbands and wives."
"Then, what topic can I use?" cried the exasperated speaker. "Well, we usually just talk about our AA program."
AN ALKY ON A BINGE runs out of drinking money and breaks into a house. Rummaging through dresser drawers in a dark bedroom, he hears a small voice behind him:
"Jesus and I are watching you!" He freezes in fear. After awhile, when nothing happens, he starts rummaging away again.
And again comes that small voice from behind: "Jesus and I are watching you!"
This time, with his heart pumping madly, the drunk turns on the light and sees--nobody. Scared, he stutters, "Who-who-who said that?"
The thief whirls toward the voice, only to see a parrot perched in a corner of the room. Immensely relieved, his Dutch Courage returns and he smirks at the bird, "Oh, you did, did you--and who do you think you are?"
"Stuart!" answers the parrot.
"Stuart," sneers the drunk, "what a stupid name for a parrot!"
"Oh yeah?" squawks the bird, "What do you think of 'Jesus' for a 200-pound Rott-weiler?"
A GROUP OF DRINKING BUDDIES went deer hunting. They split up into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter came staggering back to camp alone, half-bombed and dragging an eight-point buck.
The others said, "Where's Harry?"
"Oh, he passed out, a couple miles back up the trail."
"What? You left Harry lying out there alone, and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," admitted the marksman, "but I figured, who's gonna steal Harry?"
A WEEK BEFORE A SPACE LAUNCH, an Astronaut was trying to relax at an out-of-the-way pub.
But a boozed-up customer at the bar recognized him and said, "You NASA types think you're something, hitting the moon and bringing back all them shuttles and all.
We got a couple of local guys here, been building their own spaceship right out back!"
Reluctantly, the Astronaut goes outside to inspect the spaceship--a huge mess of beer kegs, cans and junk.
One drunk boasts, "Moon-Schpoon! We're going to the sun!"
The Astronaut warns them, "Boys, this thing will incinerate long before you get close to the sun."
"Don't you think we thought of that?" argued the second drunk.
"We got that all figured out!. . . We're going at night!"
AA in Heaven - submitted by Carlyn C. of Live & Let Live Group
An old-timer comes home from his home group meeting, gets ready for
bed, and is on his knees saying his evening prayers.
He's in the middle of his "God blesses" saying "God bless the guy who
says the same thing no matter what the topic, God bless George, the
'cake lady,' God bless . . . " suddenly he pauses and looks up. Then
says, "You know God. I wonder if there is AA in heaven. If there isn't AA in heaven, I don't know if I want to go there. These folks are so important to me, I don't want to spend eternity without them."
There's a bolt of lightening and a loud clap of thunder and then the olde timer hears a voice saying, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there is AA in heaven. The bad news is ...............
........................................................... "You're speaking tomorrow night."
Sign in a Local Pub - from the AA Grapevine
If you are drinking to forget .......
.............. please pay in advance
The Surgeon General' Latest Product Advisory
Liquor bottles will now carry the phrase, "Warning: Alcohol can make members of the opposite sex appear far more attractive than they actually are"
How one member handled gossip.
This one is about a general handyman in an English village, who' had occasional spells of drinking but had been sober for a while.
One day, however, a nosy and terribly respectable old women stood up at a church meeting and accused him of reverting to his drunken ways, her evidence being that she had seen his wheelbarrow parked outside the local pub for several hours.
The wrongfully accused man made no defense. That evening, he put his wheelbarrow alongside her front gate and left it there overnight.
We know from past experience, that I drunk will continue therapy as long as the Therapist does not tell him alcohol is the problem, but what happens when it cuts into his drinking money.
A fellow who had a drinking problem which also lead to seeing weird animals under his bed each night after retiring went to seek help.
The shrink assured him that he could cure the malady, and stated that the fee would be $1,000. Needless to say, the drunk never went back.
Several weeks later, they met on the street and the shrink asked him if he was still troubled. .... and the conversation went like this;
Drunk - "Hell No ...... and the professional cure I got only cost me a case of beer"
Shrink - "What professional would work for a case of beer?"
Drunk - "My brother-in-law"
Shrink - "What branch of the professional field is he associated with?"
Drunk - "He's a carpenter, he sawed the legs off my bed"
The Minister Tried Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk,...... so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
W hen the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, .... "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in???"
A fellow has to watch who he drinks with
A bear wonders into a bistro and sat at the bar. Then comes along a glassy-eyed drunk and sat down on the stool besides the bear. The drunk put his arm around the bear (not knowing this was a bear), where upon it knocked him flat on the floor. Sitting up groggily, the drunk muttered "Wow! ... give some women a fur coat and they think they own the world".
Watch how you share when asked to be a Speaker at a meeting
A lady first time to AA was listening to a man and wife tell of their former problems with booze. The wife concluded by saying that the year before, thanks to the Man Upstairs, they had become the proud parents of their first child.
The new member, never having heard of God referred to that way, turned to the person next to her and whispered in horror, "Do all the people in AA make such shocking personal confessions?"
Stick to drinking coffee on Twelfth Step Calls
An AA member on a twelfth step call drops into a prospective pigeon' home after the prospects wife had walked out on him and left the housing keeping to her drunken husband. The house was a mess, including the kitchen's sink full of dirty dishes.
After the two had been talking for a few hours, the prospect asked his new AA friend if he' care to share a pot of stew that had been simmering on the stove. The AA member accepted, began to eat, and became puzzled about the behavior of the prospects dog, which was whining and pawing at him. "Why is he acting so odd?" he inquired.
"Oh"explained the prospect, "I guess it' because you're eating out of his dish."
Watch where you hide
A rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss." said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."
"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated. ....... "Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make anyway since no one except a nosey assistant manager can see me?! I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."
"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
Only a Dream for a Drunk
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen,Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
Watch what you confess to
Mary Kelly goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.' The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
Stay tuned for more humour .... as I will be adding to these pages as they come in ...... don' forget, if you have some thing, send it to get publish ( family content only )
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