HOW LITTLE CHILDREN SEE THE WORLD
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved, She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock I heard my 5 year old shout out from the back seat ..... " That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"Mommy ... It's the minister" the child said to her mother.
Then she added ....................
. . . . . . . . . ."Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now ..... She's hitting the bottle."
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered ..................... ............... "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered ...... "I think it's Adam's underwear.
BIG SHOT IS'AM ... GRANDIOSITY or ...... HUMILITY ?
thanks to Ken D. a member on the west-coast
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors, dentists, real-estate brokers and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who
lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a $100,000 theatre built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible.
It took 20 preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mamma just has to name the chapter-verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks"
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
TRICKS WE PLAYED IN THE OLD DAYS
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whisky bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly . it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
AS THE COST OF THINGS GO UP
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?
The salesperson answers, Which one?
We have the Work out Barbie for $19.95
the Shopping Barbie for $19.95
the Beach Barbie for $19.95
the Disco Barbie for $19.95
and the Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others are only $19.95?
The salesperson annoyingly answers: Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends.
WATCH WHAT YOU STEAL
- Sent in by Brian C. of the Young at Heart Group
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied there was 6 in the can
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, "What is it?"
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
BUBBA' S NEW TOILET BRUSH
While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Walmart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Walmart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."
THE STORY OF THE LOCAL MAILMAN
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around
midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Darn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," . . . . . . . . .Bob responds. "Your name came up 7 times"
COMING HOME LATE, WATCH WHAT YOU SAY TO THE WIFE
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and stayed all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 pm. The man hurriedly dressed and his girlfriend told him to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and in the dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary and we spent the afternoon together. She looked down at his shoes and said "You liar ... you told me that you quit playing golf!"
AFFAIR 2 (not the same fellow) ..........
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you she said, "pretend you're a statue".
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up.
He went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich "Here," he said to the statue, "Have this"
Statue Replies "I stood like that for 2-days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing"
WHEN THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FOOT
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."